'1001 Rules for my unborn son'

If you need music on the beach, you're missing the point.

6 days

and now

so i bought these old records for 50cents each and i was syked on turning them into bowls and vases on the holidays, and the sleeves into scrapbooks and cards. But then i really looked at them; the scratches from playing over the years, the grooves where you can tell one song was more loved than others, the coffee stains and jagged corners. And it made me sad because because someone once loved this music so much and now they're probably gone, and all that's left of the soundtrack to their life is a bunch of outdated records that sit in a bin at the back of a store, on sale for less than the price of a stamp.
I told this all to my best friend.
"and now the only reason people buy them is to wreck them" she said.
And now i can't bear to tear them apart.
And now i want to go back and buy more.
And now i think about the fact that when i die the music i treasure so much will proabaly be thrown out by kids who don't give a fuck about vinyl.
And it makes me want to save these people's treasures
And maybe one day someone will do the same for me.
And now i wonder why
And now i know why, it's because i am endlessly drawn to anything or anyone that contains an unknown history.

Aging freaks me out

You'd be inclined to think this picture was of me in year 8 right?

nope, its my mum circa 1974.
Crazy.

the perks of being a zine writer

today when i got home home after a really long frustrating day there were two packages waiting for me! My brian fallon/chuck ragan split (finally!) and the alkaline trio/hot water music picture 10" were in one, yayyy!!!!!! The second was this crazily amazing package of zines from Luke You. I swear this man is a sneaky zine ninja, I have no idea of his address, how he got mine or how he even got his hands on a copy of my zine(Sticky I'm guessing!), but there was a little note in the package saying thankyou for the mention of his zine in Stay Gold, and then there were a bunch of amazing issues of You.
Best thing ever to come home to.

"How nice -

to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive"

I have never believed in god

but when I was little and got Deja Vu i used to think that we all simultaneously lived out our one lifetime on a loop and that's why things i had never seen were so damn familiar.

istilloverthinkeverything

I accept that it is an internal struggle between who you are and who you want to be. I feel like I have dealt really well with the change I have been through this year and I haven't flipped out in ages. Some things make you remember how easily you can slip back into that void, and although I have been over it for so long there's still that heightened awareness that you could be standing perilously close to the edge and not even know it.
I think everybody has this one period in their life between teenage and adulthood where you freak out and realise that you have absolutely no idea what is supposed to happen next. Mine came in 2007.
I think once you get over it you've grown and whether you like it or not, you know yourself better than you ever could when you were blissfully oblivious - you know that you are both internally resilient and crushingly fragile at the same time, and you know that there's nothing wrong with that.
It means you're human.

not long now

Where the Wild Thing are comes out soon and I'm pretty freakin syked, not only is this one of my favourite children's picture books ever but the screenplay was written by Dave Eggers, my second favourite author ever. Looks like a bit of a hit or miss though...
think I'll cry if it's not good.

You know

My favourite thing when a band I love release a new album (aside from the album itself and the prospect that they may tour here) is buying all the magazines that they feature in. I have about 5 magazines with Brian Fallon on the cover from when the '59 Sound came out and I have about 20 from various stages in My Chemical Romance's career (but that's another story for another time haha.) So I was pretty stoked when the first of many interviews with Jesse Lacey was posted on Spin. I would kill to interview that man.
Let the collecting commence!
(P.S. Yes I'm a freak who enjoys making lists, analysing children's literature and, of course, collecting.)

oh my a god x2

Everyone is ripping into this record already from just a 30 second clip that was posted of At The Bottom. I am a bit pessimistic as Vinnie wrote the majority of this album but pretty sure I'm gonna wait for it to drop before I make any assumptions. If The Devil and God is anything to go by then Daisy will take quite a few listens before any conclusions can be made.
Still fricking syked!
Hurry up September 22nd

oh my a god

At the Bottom

Just take a deep breath and close your eyes for a while

So I’ve just started my second semester of Uni and it’s mainly made up of core courses that pretty much contain ‘how to write a resume’ and ‘what is globalisation?’ but my sub-major is Children’s Literature, and although I have no idea where It’s going (my course doesn’t exactly tie in) I’ve really been enjoying it. I’m now contemplating switching to an education course and maybe one day becoming a Children’s Librarian.

Uni isn’t really what I expected it to be, the work can be hard but fulfilling and my campus is fine, but I guess I thought the people would be more open-minded, mature and creative. It’s still so much better than highschool but my point is that no matter where you go there are always the popular kids who wear way too much bronzer, only care about planning their weekend and have their parents pay their way through an education they do not care the slightest about. For example, there’s this goth girl in one of my lectures who finds it imperative to wear a headband with cat ears attached every single day. I admit she is pretty fricking weird but If she’s not annoying you, or even talking to you, then there’s no fucking reason to snigger loud enough for her to audibly hear when she stands up to talk in-front of the class.

Ok so that kinda turned into a negative rant but my point is that I’ve finally realised there’s nowhere in public where you can escape these kinds of ass-holes, not even if it’s supposedly the most open-minded, creative institution in the world. There will always be those types of mainstream, beauty-obsessed people, and the sooner you tune them out the more peaceful and meaningful your life will be.

Sunday night already

Weekends always go so quickly, even when I'm on holidays. On break they still go quick because you're so busy and everyone's free - a good kind of busy. But I've found that weekdays have been going just as fast lately, for the opposite reason. I've been doing nothing creative, constructive or memorable with my time, so the days all blur into one and before you know it your much awaited Uni break has become 6 weeks of nothingness punctuated by 2 fulfilling days out of every 7.
Even though it's gone fast I'm glad that I'm over doing nothing and keen to get back to Uni.
I also do not lament my decision to stay jobless because I'd rather be poor than anxious.

I go to seek a Great Perhaps

This weekend I finished reading Looking for Alaska, my 3rd John Green novel in as many weeks and definitely my favourite. The novel is about a 16 year old boy named Miles (ironically nicknamed Pudge due to his lankiness) who is sick of the simple, safe life he leads and is obsessed with famous last words. After reading the poet Francois Rabelais' dying declaration 'I go to seek a Great Perhaps' Miles decides that he doesn't want to wait until he dies to start seeking his Great Perhaps, so he does something completely out of his comfort zone and enrols in an out-of-state boarding school - away from everyone and everything he knew before. It's at Culver Creek that Pudge makes the best friends he has ever known and falls in love with a girl named Alaska Young.

(*spoiler alert*)

About halfway through the book's tone completely changes as Alaska tragically dies in a drunk-driving car crash. The second half of the novel deals with Pudge's guilt, his love and his struggle to continue his way through the labyrinth without her.

There is a lot of brilliant writing and a lot of famous last words in this book. Here are some of my favourite quotes:

"...I jogged afterhim, trailing in his wake. I wanted to be one of those people who have streaks to maintain, who scorch the ground with their intensity. But for now, at least I knew such people, and they needed me, just like comets need tails "

"You've got a lifetime to mull over the Buddhist understanding of interconnectedness." He spoke every sentence as if he'd written it down, memorised it and was now reciting it. "But while you were looking out the window, you missed the chance to explore the equally interesting Buddhist belief in being present for every facet of your daily life, of being truly present. Be present in this class. And then, when it's over, be present out there," he said nodding toward the lake and beyond.

“How will I ever get out of this labyrinth?” (Simon Bolivar)

"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia"

"You spend your whole lif stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining the future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present. "

"For she had embodied the Great Perhaps - she had proved to me that it was worth it to leave behind my minor life for grander maybes."

"Everything that comes together falls apart"

"When you stopped wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you'd stop suffering when they did."

"It always shocked me when I realised that I wasn't the only person in the world who thought and felt such strange and awful things."

"...we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth."

"I thought for a long time that the way out of the labyrinth was to pretend that it did not exist, to build a small self-sufficient world in a back corner of the endless maze and to pretend that I was not lost, but home. But that only led to a lonely life accompanied by the last words of the already-dead, so I came here looking for a Great Perhaps, for real friends and a more-than-minor life."

It's been decided

I will never cut my hair again, I'm going to let it grow to epic proportions, or at least down to my knees. My best friend already calls me a hippie and I hate hairdressers anyway, they always manage to mess something up and overcharge you by an extreme margin.

It has also been decided (by me) that I will start a perzine called 'The Second Side' as homage to the brilliant novel that is the Perks of Being a Wallflower; the cover will have a polaroid picture of a cassette tape, i can see it perfectly in my head. Now I just have to think of something to put inside the zine. Gahhhh.

It has also been decided that I desperately need an Olivetti 32 typewriter in baby blue and a Polaroid 600 Camera. I've therefore been scouring Etsy for the past 3 days and am sure to spend all of my tax money before I even get near Melbourne.

It has been decided, too, that I will get one of these for my best friend's 20th birthday and it will be the most epic gift in the history of our friendship:
http://www.suck.uk.com/product.php?rangeID=82

... or I could get a PedEgg and she'd probably be just as happy!
End post.

I feel infinite

One of the saddest poems I've ever read from one of the most inspiring books I've ever read:

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

Erythromycin + empty stomach = nausea

So I've been feeling really sick today, probably due to the little combination I mentioned in the title. My tooth is somewhat less disgusting today but hurts a lot more than it has been, pretty sure it's unsalvageable (is that a word?) and the dentist will have to pull it. It's throbbing at the moment like some sort of massive poisonous sting or splinter that needs to be removed from my head. Now. Despite the whole tooth episode I had a pretty good weekend, got to see some friends I haven't caught up with in ages, watched Dig twice, watched all of Degrassi season 2 & read 'An Abundance of Katherines' by John Green (not the one from the humiliating bookstore story, that was 'Paper Towns.')

The book was good, not awesome, but 'Looking for Alaska' the main one by Green that I wanted to read wasn't in anywhere, so hopefully I'm saving the best for last. An Abundance of Katherines did have some really awesome themes though. The main character Colin is a washed-up child prodigy who has just graduated, has a penchant for anagramming and only dates girls named Katherine. He kinda feels like his life is a waste because he's 17 and not a genius yet; he's so wrapped up in trying to create something that will be remembered that he kinda forgets just to live. So when Katherine #19 breaks up with him, his best friend Hassan takes him on a road trip and they end up in this little run-down country town where they work for a while & make friends with the locals. In the end Colin has a 'Eureka' moment which isn't a theorem that will win him a Nobel prize, but is the fact that the future is infinite and unknowable and beautiful, and no amount of fame or genius can be remembered forever.
he also fall in love with a girl who is not named Katherine.

Here's some quotes from the novel that really stood out to me:

'He missed that, too, and it hadn't even happened. He missed his imagined future. You can love someone so much, he thought. But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.'

'I was thinking about your mattering business. I feel like, like, how you matter is defined by the things that matter to you. You matter as much as the things that matter to you do. And I got so backwards, trying to make myself matter to him. All this time there were real things to care about: real, good people who care about me, and this place. It's so easy to get stuck. You just get caught in being something, being special or cool or whatever, to the point where you don't even know why you need it; you just think you do.'

'I don't think you can ever fill the empty space with the thing you lost...I don't think your missing pieces ever fit inside you again once they go missing.'

'Colin's skin was alive with with the feeling of connection to everyone in that car and everyone not in it. And he was feeling not-unique in the very best possible way.'

McStroke

I'm having a shitty day, here's what happened:
I've had this huge lump on my gum for about a week and my tooth's been bleeding when I brush it so my mum booked me in for a dentist appointment, because it was short notice I couldn't get in with my regular delightful dentist Dr. Bob, so I had to see this huge Russian dude instead, nickname: Frankenstein. Turns out I have a massive hole in said tooth and the root is infected which is why my gum is sore, then they figure out that the tooth is one of my 3 leftover baby teeth (that for some reason never grew adult replacements) and it should've finished it's job about 10 years ago hence the fact that it is disintegrating and already has a massive filling. (note: none of this is due to my oral health, I pride myself on impeccable dental hygiene.) Long story short, they either pull the tooth and I end up looking like Stephanie Kaye from Degrassi

or i get a super expensive/painful root canal. But for now something had to be done. Frankenstein decided to drill a hole into the tooth, inject some antibiotics & then give me a filling until next week when we "discuss the further options." Easy, I think, I've had like a million fillings before but it wasn't until they were injecting me with the FIRST needle that I realised all my other fillings were at my children's dentist Dr. Verco where they gave you lovely happy gas through a clown-nose-shaped machine. Gahhh. So they injected me with two numbing needles because I would still feel it when he put in the medicine, which was all good and well until I couldn't feel the whole left side of my face, I literally looked like Peter Griffin when he has a stroke, and I dribbled down the front of my shirt trying to drink a bottle of water in the Colonnades food-court.

I could live through all of this until I went into Angus and Robertson to find the John Green book I've been after. That would at least be one good thing, I figured. So when I couldn't find it in the fiction section and the lady asked me if I needed help I said 'yes please, do you have any books by John Green?' It was about then that she pointed to the teenage shelf and gave me a look that said: 'wow this partially paralyzed chick is trying to find a kids book - definitely a retard!'

And that was the icing on the cake of my day.
...but I did find the book!
End of rant.

May Day

Note: there's not really a theme to this update I just thought I'd open a new post and start typing about the last week.
So all my creative energy lately has been going into the second issue of my zine 'Stay Gold', ( I know, the title is a blatant Outsiders reference but I was crazy obsessed with that book at the time) I'll probably upload some pics once I've finished the layouts. So far I've finished 3 band interviews and my intro page but I'm not sure what to put on the cover... I'm also stumped for rants, because this blog has been my outlet for anything column-ish I would usually write, maybe I'll recycle some older posts? Apart from that I'm waiting on an interview I'm getting back from the band tonight (or i guess tomorrow morning is 'tonight' in Europe?) and have one other layout to do for a reprint. I'm not doing any reviews because they're just silly and no one wants to know my opinion on music anyway, I'll have lists of stuff to check out instead. And then I'll be done! I'm gonna make this zine free again too 'cause I can scab photocopying & stamps from my mums work hehe.

Aside from working on the zine I've been sitting around the house in my pyjamas posting random twitter updates, watching Degrassi and playing Sims 3 (made an epic Grim Reaper family...god I'm bored!) I've also been living socially through my best friend, getting her to tell me funny crap that happens at work and visit me every morning to watch repeats of Dr. Phil. I'm literally turning into a crazy cat lady without the cat part.
I've also been trying to find a novel that is as inspiring as The Perks of Being a Wallflower and written with the same type of audience in mind. So far I've been unsuccessful but I'm making a library trip tomorrow and hopefully will find this book by John Green that I've wanted to read for a while.

On that note I'll wrap things up with a quote from my favourite writer (I collect quotes that inspire me incase you haven't noticed! I also have a habit of giving posts the names of books when there are no references in the post at all to that particular literary work. My bad.)

"... boredom, disgust, the monotony of time, the turbidity of events, sank into a vague background before which glittering cobwebs formed. Things became reconciled to themselves, things lay quietly on their shelves; the troubles of the day arranged themselves in trim formation and at his curt wish of dismissal, marched off and disappeared. And with the departure of worry came brilliant permeating symbolism."

best moments

I'm sitting at home bored as, rifling through my uni papers from last semester when i came across a homework sheet from my professional and creative communications class. The task on this particular sheet of paper jogged a memory in my mind that made me smile, so I've decided to make a list of some funny crap that's happened this year so I can remember the fun times when I'm feeling alone and uninspired.
So, this happened in my PCC1 tutorial where there was this girl who was super sweet and friendly, but she had a habit of making a fool out of herself in front of the entire class. The particular scenario goes like this:
Lecturer: "Ok for this weeks homework i want you guys to download and read a poem from the Lingua Franca website"
Girl: "hey isn't that the chick who sings r.e.s.p.e.c.t?!"
Random "No that would be Aretha Franklin"

That memory then jogged another forgotten funny moment from year 12 Psychology class:

Mrs Toogood: "Ok does anyone know who Sigmund Freud was?"
Boy: "Isn't that one of the dudes with the tigers?!"
Random: "No that would be Sigfried and Roy"

You don't realise how much you create fun from nothing when you're trapped at school all day, everyday, plagued with extreme boredom but surrounded by the best friends you'll ever have. Those types of moments are hard to recreate the older that you get, but here are a few that have happened this year. I doubt if anyone but my best friends will remember all of these:

"I can speak Spanish...Porqeno los dos?"

"Oh my a-god"

"Shit!" (Back to the future 3)

"One day my hands will stay that way Alex, will you still love me then?!" (this moment even went on to have a song written about it haha)

"Stocked face!"

"that's for my son"

"Oh, they're like the most christian band ever" "...more christian than Hometime?!"

"Chickennnnn"

"Y'all laughed at me, y'all laughed at me!"

"...pass to Mark" "You cannot pass!"

"I sense some pain behind those eyes"

"I'll have a coke"

""Where's my family...give me back my family" (Harrison Ford)

"Don't you guys know a love heart when you see one?" "Nicole that's a smiley face"(ah, Jason Mraz on the way to Mannum)

"Oh how about this one" " he's not two" "uh... pretty sure he is"

'Bob Saget!'

'Shirlena?!' *In most hick voice possible*

"How do you like that beanie action?" "...The beanie doesn't work miracles"

beaniemaynotactuallycureugliness

"I don't mean to alarm you but there's a spider above your head. don't panic though it's like really really small" "........AHHHHHHHHHHHHH" "oh it's ok i'll get it, i'll get it" "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" *swerves car madly*

"cool whered you get it?" "Ebay" *in transformers voice*

"He's just had a baby" "Oh so he was the guy on the news?"

'Mary Kane Jelly'

ahhh good times with great people.

My favourite person

Today is my little sister's 16th birthday.
Gone are the days when I could pick her up, when I would give her my eggs at easter and when she could sit on a step playing with her ken doll for hours at a time with tangled hair and not a care in the world.


But she's still my favourite person
Happy Birthday B.K.
we're growing up much faster than expected

The Red Tree

Ever since i started children's literature (and a couple of years before that actually) I've been really inspired by picture books for older readers. These are the kinds of books that kids can read and they sort of plant the themes of some more serious issues like depression and war. But the art, writing and even subtlety of themes are more appreciated by adults and teenagers. The first books of this genre that I loved were The Peril of Magnificent Love, A Gorgeous Sense of Hope and The Origin of Lament by Emma Magenta. These book explore the themes of love, loss and hope through the story of a young girl drawn in childlike sketches.


Then I fell in love with The Little Prince, the story of a young boy who lives on another planet with his Rose and decides to explore the solar system. This is possibly my favourite children's picture book ever. It was written by Antoine De Saint Exupery in the year 1943 and is translated from French. I think this is possibly one of the most beautiful love stories I've ever read, even though it's between a little boy and a flower.

"Of course I love you," the flower said to him. "It is my fault that you have not known it all the while. That is of no importance. But you, you have been just as foolish as I. Try to be happy... let the glass globe be. I don't want it any more."

'But what about the wind?'

"My cold is not as bad as all that...the cool night air will do me good. I am a flower."

'But what about insects?'

"I'll simply have to put up with two or three caterpillars if i want to meet some butterflies. I have heard that they are very beautiful. Otherwise, who will visit me? You will be far away. As for wild animals I am not afraid of them. I have my claws."

And she innocently showed her four thorns. Then she added:

"Don't hang about like that, it's irritating. You've decided to go. Now go!"

For she did not want him to see her tears. She was such a haughty flower...

And this year through my children's literature course i've discovered the works of Western Australian artist Shaun Tan. His picture book about depression and hope, The Red Tree, is absolutely magnificent.

'Sometimes the day begins with nothing to look forward to.'

'nobody understands'
'wonderful things are passing you by'

'and the day seems to end the way it began.
But suddenly there it is right in front of you
bright and vivid quietly waiting'
'just as you imagined it would be.'

The art in this book is painstakingly detailed and every time I read it I pick up something little that I previously missed, like the lock to the window on the 'wonderful things are passing you by' page has 'regret' engraved on it.
There's also a small red leaf visible on every page of the book that symbolises the protagonist's hope.

I guess I didn't think I learned anything this semester in children's literature but i learned to appreciate how much work goes into just one page. I think I've always wanted to be an author, ever since I made my first pop-up zoo book from magazine clippings when i was bored one day, or when my mum bought me a typewriter for my eigth birthday. But I never really considered children's literature to be a true art form...until now.

my literary obsessions

Sometimes I get really really attached to a book and I don't know why but it stays in my list of favourites for a long time. Like for a while I was obsessed with My Friend Leonard, the second book to James Frey's A Million Little Pieces. After I read the books James Frey was in that huge Oprah scandal because A Million Little Pieces was marketed as a memoir and Oprah put her special bookclub seal of approval on it, but then it was revealed that he only spent hours in jail and his girlfriend didn't hang herself she actually slit her wrists and some other crap. I guess people felt cheated that they bought into this being his life story when in fact he was writing about the person he imagined himself to be. But I didn't care, I still liked the book as a work of fiction as much as I did when it was labelled a biography because there was this one line near the beginning of My Friend Leonard where he says:
'No matter how bad or difficult life becomes , if you hold on, hold on to whatever it is you need to hold on to, be it religion, friends, a suport group, a set of steps or your own heart, if you hold on, just hold on, life will get better.'
And there was someting about this line that i needed to hear at that time in my adolescence. I though it was beautifully, tragically poetic. And i guess it didn't matter if it happened in someone's real life or not because it was there. And in that moment i knew that atleast one person had been more messed up than i was and they'd made it through. So that's why that bookwas in my top 5 for about four years, but now i think it's been knocked off the list by The Perks of Being a Wallflower!

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

You know when you read something or hear something or watch something that makes you feel so much you wonder how your life made sense before that moment?
Well that is how i feel about this bookI thought i made up what i just wrote but i guess i subconsciously stole it from Mark Oliver Everett:
'Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and strange surprises. Sometimes the beauty is too much for me to handle. Do you know that feeling? when something is just too beautiful? When someone says something or writes something or plays something that moves you to the point of tears, maybe even changes you.'
So anyway this book is amazing it just makes so much sense, F.Scott Fitzgerald once wrote that this is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.
I know all i've been doing is recycling other peoples words in this post, but when i read a book like this i know exactly what he means.

My favourite part so far in The Perks of Being a Wallflower is when Charlie is talking about how in old photographs your parents always look very rugged and young and always seem a lot happier than you are.

"I look at the field, and I think about the boy who just made the touchdown. I think that these are the glory days for that boy, and this moment will just be another story someday because all the people who make touchdowns and home runs will become somebody's dad. And when his children look at his yearbook photograph, they will think that their dad was rugged and handsome and looked a lot happier than they are. I just hope I remember to tell my kids that they are as happy as I look in my old photographs.And I hope that they believe me."

Things the grandchildren should know

Today is the first day of the uni mid-semester break, i finished my final major at 10pm last night and i'm already bored. Not bored in the sense that i have nothing to do, but bored in the sense that i cannot be motivated to do anything creative.
Today i looked through all the boxes under my bed and got out all my journals from ther age of 13 onward, the ones before that are either lost or indecipherable. Here they areSome of the old entries are very, very cringeworthy and some still make me sad to think that i was ever that upset. But writing has always been my favourite thing in the world to do, and i never want to forget that. And if it means never throwing out old diaries from the days when Blink182 was my favourite band and i wrote in txt abbreviations, then i will save them forever.

I remember i used to hide my diaries in the gap between the last drawer in my dresser and the floor so that my parents would never see them, but now i keep my journal on hand. Sure it's still private but i think if i died i'd want my friends to eventually read through my old journals Anne Frank-style. Not that i'm comparing myself to Anne Frank in any way, I've never had anything terrible happen to me, but in the fact that her father went back and read through her diary and finally understood what was going through her head. I have no idea what this post is about. Sorry. I guess i was trying to get to the point that i love to write but i still have no idea what i want to do with my life. I'd love to become a children's author but i understand the very slim chance of that ever happening. I no longer want to study journalism because i know i couldn't take the pressure. I'm starting to lean toward becoming a teacher or children's librarian, but at the moment i'm just wondering through here seeing what happens. I guess i don't know what kind of person i am yet. And this year i've finally realised that's ok.

A first

So this is my first blog ever, I figured last day of uni = first post. This will hopefully be like my journal in an easier, somewhat less personal format. And I don't really mind if i'm the only person who ever reads this, i just want some sort of documentation that can't easily be lost... in a fire.
Looking at it now the name i picked seems pretty emo so I'll explain it. Y'know in Garden State when Large says to the dude who's guarding the gorge thingy 'good luck discovering the infinite abyss' and then he says 'hey...you too'? well that's possibly my favourite part of the movie, and the infinite abyss is a metaphor for life.
So for future reference 'this infinte abyss' represents the series of events that is my life.